Marriage Lesson 3

THE CIRCLE OF LOVE

When couples marry, they usually exchange rings. A ring is a symbol of their eternal love – a circle of never-ending sacrificial love. In the beginning, most couples do the things that show love for each other. The more love the husband shows to his wife, the more love she shows to him – and so the circle not only remains unbroken, but strengthens.

            However, after being married for awhile, there are two dangers that threaten to break this circle. The first danger is that we start taking each other for granted and stop putting in a lot of effort to make each other happy. The more self-centered a spouse gets, the more difficult it becomes for his/her marriage partner to keep sacrificing to make him/her happy. Then he/she also becomes selfish. The circle is pulled ever outward by unfilled needs and unhappiness until it becomes so thin that it breaks.

            The second danger is that we get lazy to study the other person to see what his/her needs really are. I may tend to think that because I have a certain desire/preference/ need, that my spouse has the same desire/preference/need. If I am not careful to make sure I am seeing to my spouse’s needs, my marriage partner will look (consciously or even unconsciously) for someone outside the marriage to fulfill any unmet needs he or she has. This can so easily lead to an extra-marital affair which will cause great unhappiness and likely destroy the marriage. Sadly, even Christians who know they are headed for hell if they commit adultery, are still very vulnerable to sexual temptation if their needs are not met. To avoid this trap, some Christians may look to someone “safe” to fulfill their needs: parents or friends of the same sex. This can lead to parental interference in the marriage or to a deep friendship that robs the marriage partner of the “best friend” he/she needs to find in his/her spouse. Others look to have their needs fulfilled in their work, hobbies or children. Again, the marriage suffers as the spouses go more and more their separate ways. The purpose of this lesson is to help married couples identify and satisfy each others’ needs. Doing this not only “divorce-proofs” their marriage, but leads to an ever-deepening relationship with their spouse – a stronger and stronger circle of love. Instead of a downward spiral of increasing misery, their marriage becomes a never-ending, upward-spiraling circle of love.

 True or False:

_____ 1. Husbands’ and wives’ needs are the same.

_____ 2. Selfishness, laziness and complacency are common reasons why marriage partners fail to satisfy each other’s needs.

_____ 3. It is difficult to sacrifice your needs and desires for a spouse who is not fulfilling your needs.

_____ 4. If a person’s needs are not met in marriage, it is natural, but dangerous, for him/her to look elsewhere to fulfill those needs.

_____ 5. A strong Christian will never commit adultery.

            Before looking at what one experienced marriage counselor found according to his research, take a few moments and write down what you feel are the five most important things you need from your spouse. Do not think merely about the needs you feel are lacking, but about what would be most important to you if none of your needs were being met. Then write down what you think are the five most important things your spouse needs from you!

I Need from my Spouse:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

My Spouse Needs from Me:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

            Compare what you thought with what your spouse says. Use what you find as a discussion point with your spouse. Just discussing these needs and making the effort to fulfill them will improve anyone’s marriage.

Marriage counselors have found that in general men and women have different needs. It is also interesting that God commands men to treat their wives differently to how God commands women to treat their husbands.

  In the rest of this lesson we will study 2 of the 10 most commonly listed needs according to Willard Harley in his book His Needs, Her Needs. We will also study what the Bible says about how to fulfill these needs. They are listed below in basically the same order as in Harley’s book.

Men’s Needs

1a. To be sexually satisfied

2a. To experience companionship as in someone to go places with and do things with

3a. To have a spouse that is physically attractive

4a. To be treated with proper respect and admiration

5a. To have a peaceful, well-ordered home

Woman’s Needs

1b. To be cherished by affection, loving words and actions

2b. To experience companionship as in someone to talk to

3b. To have financial security

4b. To be treated with openness and honesty

5b. To have a spouse who is committed to his family’s welfare.

1. Man’s most important need: Sex

God designed sex not only for procreation, but also for pleasure.

Pro 5:18-19 Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be enraptured with her love.

Song 4:16  [Bride] Awake, O north wind, And come, O south! Blow upon my garden, That its spices may flow out. Let my beloved come to his garden And eat its pleasant fruits. 

Song 5:1  [Groom] I have come to my garden, my sister, my spouse; I have gathered my myrrh with my spice; I have eaten my honeycomb with my honey; I have drunk my wine with my milk.

[God] Eat, O friends! Drink, yes, drink deeply, O beloved ones!  

     Sex is a glue that binds a couple together in a way nothing else does – “and the two shall become one flesh,” Mt.19:5. Used in a proper way, it keeps marriages strong and protects the family unit. “Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband,” 1 Cor.7:2.

      A husband who is happy in this area is not likely to cheat on his wife. However, a husband must never think that because he is satisfied in this area, his wife also is happy. Wives need affection in order to enjoy love-making.

I Corinthians 7:3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

These verses tell us that a husband must find out from his wife what pleases her in the act of love-making, and do it. The wife must do the same for the husband. “Affection due” means that it is something you owe each other. Obviously, this also means that you will never insist that your partner do something sexually that he or she finds distasteful.

      There is no shame in the marriage bed.

Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge. – Heb.13:4.

Therefore, it is right for those who are married to communicate specifically to their partners the actions they find pleasurable and not-so-pleasurable. Communication is essential to obey the command found in 1 Cor.7:3-4: that each give to the mate the “affection due” him/her. Think what a strong “marriage glue” you are applying when you are the only one who knows exactly how to please your partner!

Wives must remember that men are aroused mainly by sight, Mt.5:28: “Whoever looks at a woman to lust for her…” – and it can be instantaneous, as in the case of David with Bathsheba, 2 Sam.11:2. Husbands must remember that women are slower to respond and are aroused mainly by touch and emotions, Song 2:4, 6: He brought me to the banqueting house, And his banner over me was love…. His left hand is under my head, And his right hand embraces me. 

Selfishness on the part of the husband will cause his wife to lose interest in sex. However, unselfish acts of kindness, loving words and touch will stimulate his wife’s desires. When a husband goes the extra mile to help with the children and with household chores, the unselfish love he shows will cause his wife to have loving feelings in return. Also, because he has helped his wife, she will not be too tired to enjoy lovemaking. Women must remember that if they do not show respect for their husbands, they can cause them to lose their desire, even to become impotent. They must also remember that men have a physical need for sex which usually peaks more often than a woman’s need. At such times she should be willing to freely give her body to her husband to satisfy his physical needs because she wants her husband to be willing to work at satisfying her emotional needs. She will not think of her husband’s frequent desires as a curse, but as a wonderful gift of God designed to keep her husband glued to her. A smart wife will do everything in her power to make sure her husband is happy in this area, and she will never use sex as a weapon to get her own way.

 True or False:

_____ 1. One important purpose of marriage is to satisfy men’s and women’s sexual needs, thereby preventing fornication.

_____ 2. The God-given way for marriage to be sexually satisfying is for each person to concentrate on doing what pleases his spouse.

_____ 3. Sex is a beautiful gift of God to keep marriages glued together.

_____ 4. Withholding sex is something God allows a woman to do when her husband is selfish.

_____ 5. Women need to feel loved in order to enjoy sex.

2. Overcoming common problems leading to sexual infidelity

      Even though married, men and women should never relax their guard when it comes to sexual purity.

      1. Don’t forget that that the sexual need is like a burning fire (1 Cor.7:9). To keep the fires of his passion under control a man especially needs to continue to guard his eyes, Job 31:1. That is, he must force his eyes to turn away and not gaze at women who are immodestly dressed (including those on TV, or pictures of such women in newspapers, magazines, etc.) He must remember that looking at a woman with lust in his heart (unless he is married to her) is a SIN.

  “...whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you, for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish than for your whole body to be cast into hell.” – Matthew 5:28-29.

Men who feed their fleshly lusts, (eg. by looking at pornography) cause the fires of their passion to burn hotter and hotter, and it becomes impossible for his wife to fulfill his heightened expectations.

      2. To avoid jealousy on the part of her husband, and to avoid sin on the part of men who are not her husband, in public the married woman must not dress in tempting ways, or flirt (Prov.7:10,13; 6:25) or do any other sexually arousing thing, eg. dancing (Mt.14:6-7).

  “But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the sea.”  – Matthew 18:6.

  On the other hand, a wife does need to consider what kind of dress and hair-style is attractive to her husband and look nice for him. (Remember the third need of husbands is “an attractive wife.”)

3. Unfortunately, although you may have absolutely no interest in anyone other than your spouse, there are jealous, unhappy and unfulfilled people in the world who have no qualms about compromising your integrity for their own satisfaction. To protect our marriage and to protect our reputation as servants of God, we made a rule that neither of us would ever be alone with an adult of the opposite sex. This took a lot of commitment on both our parts. For example there were times when Les was asked to study with a single or widowed woman – and that meant that Linda (and the 4 children!) had to tag along.  Some people thought we were being ridiculous, but we are still happily married nearly 50 years later!

4. Men and women must not violate the marriage rule found in 1 Cor. 7:5: Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

      This rule is broken if a man takes a job where he is away from home for long periods of time – or if a woman consistently withholds her body from her husband. We personally have seen the breaking of this rule destroy many marriages, even those of “strong” Christians.

  5. God, who knows what is best for us, knows that those who are virgins when they marry have the best chance for marital happiness, including sexual satisfaction, and scientific studies bear this out. Firstly, they have no guilt to overcome. Secondly, they have nothing else, better or worse, to compare their lovemaking to. If one or both partners had other sexual partners from before their marriage, they must never ever negatively compare sex with their marriage partner to sex with a previous partner – certainly not verbally, and as much as possible, not mentally.

  6. Unresolved marital conflict is deadly to your sex life – and makes the devil happy!  Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. – Eph.4:26b-27 (NIV).

       Do everything in your power to solve problems daily. In later lessons you will learn how to do this, but in the meantime try not to let your unresolved conflicts prevent you from fulfilling each other’s needs.

 Questions:

1. Looking at a woman lustfully is ___________________ .

2. One way to guard your marriage is to never be ___________ with someone of the opposite sex.

3. Men and women deprive one another by being _________ for long periods of time. Women deprive their husbands when they use sex as a ___________.

4. People who start marriage as ____________ are more likely able to achieve the highest rate of sexual satisfaction in marriage.

6. Unresolved marital conflict is __________ to your sex life.

3. Woman’s most important need: Affection

      Affection is NOT the same as sex! As one marriage counselor put it, “Affection is the environment of marriage and sex is the event.” Affection is the things husbands do that cause their wives to feel loved. God commands the husband to “cherish” his wife in Ephesians 5:29. The Greek word for “cherish” is a word that means “warm feathers.” It is the feeling of love and protection that the baby chicks get when they run beneath the feathers of the mother hen. A husband cherishes his wife by being someone she can always depend on as well as providing affection through non-sexual, loving touch such as hugs, kisses and holding hands – NOT just when he wants sex but frequently throughout the day. A wife also needs to hear loving words such as “I’m so glad I married you” often. The husband who really cherishes his wife will prove that he means what he says by loving actions each day such as writing love notes, bringing her flowers, helping with the dishes, listening to her talk, etc. Each wife is unique. Some value words of praise, others value little gifts, some value acts of service, others value time spent together. Find out what makes your wife happy and do it – all the time. “So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies.” (Eph.5:28a) A husband who loves his wife will never be selfish. He will sacrifice his own desires for his wife’s needs – and his wife needs affection. Psalms 128 pictures the wife as being “in the very heart of your house.” Happy wife = happy home. Unhappy wife = unhappy home.

      A wife who only gets affection when her husband wants sex will feel used instead of valued – and that will ruin the sexual relationship for both of them. Husbands, how would you feel if you only got sex once a month? Yet many wives go years without hearing the words, “I love you.” If the man provides a marriage environment that contains loving touch, words and actions, then he will reap big bonuses in the event of sex.  “He who loves his wife loves himself.” (Eph.5:28b). Sex will not only be a physical act, but an incredible emotional and even spiritual experience for both of you as you thank God for the unbelievable beauty of it – even in old age. 

 Questions:

1. Affection is what husbands do to make their wives ________ loved.

2. The Greek word for “cherish” means _______ ____________ .

3. Affection consists of loving touch, words and _____________ .

4. For husbands: the kind of affection my wife particularly appreciates is     __________________________________________________