Marriage - Lesson 2

Five T’s for a Happy Marriage

Lesson 2, Introduction - The main work of husbands and wives — to make each other happy!

In most cultures today, the groom and bride choose their future marriage partners during a time of courtship. During courtship, the goal of the couple is to find out IF they truly want to marry. After the marriage takes place, the goal of the couple is to stay married. Divorce is not an alternative, so that should motivate the couple to work at being happily married!

Even if you did not get to know one another well before marriage, you can still develop a life-long, loving relationship if you follow God’s principles. After all, in Bible times, parents arranged the marriage, and often the couple did not meet until their wedding day, such as Isaac and Rebeckah in Genesis 24.

God made sure that even strangers could have a happy marriage by decreeing that a type of courtship must take place AFTER marriage. Even if couples are blessed to get to know each other well before marriage, they should still keep on “courting” each other after they are married!

Deuteronomy 24:5 "When a man has taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war or be charged with any business; he shall be free at home one year, and bring happiness to his wife whom he has taken.

What does a couple do during courtship? Do they not do their utmost to impress each other? Do they not study each other to see what they like or dislike – and then DO what makes the other person happy?

1 Peter 3:7 Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.

It is the husband’s job to study his wife so he can understand what makes his wife happy, and then give honor to her by DOING it.

Ephesians 5:24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything....33 and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

It is the wife’s job to study her husband so she can see what he wants and then make him happy by giving him enough respect to subject herself to his will – without him even having to ask!

So we see that God gives husbands and wives the job of making each other happy!

HOW CAN HUSBANDS AND WIVES LEARN THE SKILL of making each other happy?   

We will consider 5 things husbands and wives can do to promote happiness in their marriage. Each one of these 5 things begins with the letter “T”.

 QUESTIONS:

1. If couples want to be happily married, they should continue to _______ one another after marriage.

2. When a man gets married, his main job is __________ his wife so he can understand what makes his wife _________, and do it!

3. When a woman gets married, she should __________ her husband so she can see what he wants, and then make him _________ by respectfully submitting to his will.

Lesson 2, Part 1 — Time Together

 It is obvious that you will never get to know what makes one another happy if you do not spend time together – “he shall be free at home one year.” (Dt.24:5) When courting, couples spend every moment they can together. However, once the newness of marriage wears off, couples begin to drift apart unless they are careful to keep aside time for each other. This is especially true once children come along. Watching TV together or interacting with your children together is NOT time together.

One marriage counselor tells his clients that a healthy marriage needs ten hours a week when the husband and wife are alone together, focused just on each other. An unhealthy marriage needs more time! If this sounds impossible to you, think that most people in urban areas spend 2-3 hours per night in front of the TV. Turn off the TV and the phone, take a walk together, or go somewhere where you can be private. Do not allow your small children to stay up late. They need 2 - 4 hours more sleep per night than you do, and you need some “alone” time. If you are a busy person who works from home or has a hectic social life, then prove your commitment to each other by making and scheduling time for each other just like you do for everything else. Your happiness depends on it.

4. T F   Husbands and wives will drift apart unless they spend time together.

5. T F   A good way to spend time together is to watch TV.

6. T F   Because your spouse is the most important person to you on earth, you will make time for him/her.

 Lesson 2, Part 2 - TALKING TOGETHER

Would you like a marriage where your spouse is your best friend? How does anyone become friends? Is it not by talking together? During courtship couples seem to never run out of things to say. It is important to keep talking to each other if we want to keep a happy relationship. Otherwise we end up hurting each other by accident. One time I bought my wife a very expensive gift, and got very upset when she wasn’t happy with it. A lot of trouble could have been averted if I had first talked to her to see what she really wanted. One time my wife committed us to going somewhere that I didn’t want to go. Out of respect for my feelings, she should have asked me what I wanted to do before making the commitment. Many times wives get upset when their husbands do not help them – but they do not ask for help. How can I do what makes my marriage partner happy if he/she does not communicate his/her needs and desires?

Words that build your spouse up are a precious gift to him/her and to  your marriage - words like “I love you,” “You are such a wonderful husband/father/wife/mother,” “I am so blessed to have found you,” and other words of sincere admiration. (Children need words like these too.)

Proverbs 16:24 Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Some people are naturally quiet and do not feel the need to express what is in their hearts. In courtship they managed to find a way to communicate! In marriage they must work hard not to slip back into non-communication for the sake of the marriage partner who needs to hear words of love and admiration.

7.  Talking together keeps us from ___________ each other by accidentally doing things our partner does not like.

8.  My partner cannot know how to make me happy unless I _________ him about my needs and desires.

9. My spouse needs to hear pleasant words that are sweet like a      _______________ .

Lesson 1, Part 3. THINKING TOGETHER

When talking, we need to go beyond shallow talk. We also need to share ideas, concerns and dreams. We need to stir up each other’s minds, like a spoon stirs flavouring into a pot to bring out the best taste in the food. Sometimes, by stirring, we find that something needs to be added to improve the flavour! Thinking together between those who are secure in each other’s love allows weaknesses to surface and be dealt with, knowing that your marriage partner will help you and never use your weakness as “ammunition” to hurt you in the future. The two of you can search together for answers to all weaknesses and problems in the word of God. Ideas about plans for the future or concerns about how to handle certain situations can be discussed. The input from your spouse will  make your ideas even better, or perhaps prevent you from making a mistake. When you become one in thinking, you encourage each other to greater heights. By sharing your thoughts, your strengths will be doubled and your weaknesses halved. Christian couples should discuss God’s word together. Shared insights will deepen your understanding of God’s will.

Do not be afraid to discuss anything with your spouse, even when you disagree. Go away and think about what each other has said, and discuss it again at a later stage. Becoming one in thinking is something that will be a life-long process. It keeps your mind young and your relationship growing!

Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.

Proverbs 27:9 Ointment and perfume delight the heart, and the sweetness of a man’s friend gives delight by hearty counsel.

 10.   We need to go beyond shallow talk to share _________, concerns, and _________ .

11.   If your partner shares his weaknesses, you should never use that information to __________ him in the future.

12.  By sharing your thoughts, your strengths will be ___________ and your weaknesses will be _____________ .

13.   The most important thing for a couple to discuss is ___________ word, which gives ___________ for all weaknesses and problems.

Lesson 2, Part 4 - TOUCHING

During courtship, couples should learn to express love, compassion and tenderness, using touch in non-sexual ways such as holding hands. However, courting couples must make sure that they do not touch each other in ways or in places on the body that arouse lust. Once married, there is no limit in the ways couples can touch one another, and if the couple have had nothing to feel ashamed about in their courtship or in past relationships, they are blessed to be able to enjoy touch with no regrets or bad memories. This enhances the beauty of their relationship.

After marriage, it is very important for the couple to make sure that they also continue the non-sexual touch that they had during their courtship. We show love to our children by hugs and kisses – and we should do the same for our marriage partners. Each one of us needs touch to feel emotionally secure. If a woman is only touched when her husband wants sex, she soon feels used instead of loved. Hugs, hand-holding and kisses during the day set the tone for how she feels at night! Even during lovemaking, touch is very important, especially for the woman. Each husband needs to take the lead to TALK TOGETHER with his wife and ask her where she enjoys being touched. There is nothing to be ashamed of in discussing these things with your marriage partner.  Remember, you are one flesh – there is nothing you need to hide from each other. The marriage bed is pure – there is nothing shameful or dirty about it.

Genesis 2:24...and they shall become one flesh. 25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

Hebrews 13:4 Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled...

Proverbs 5:18 Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice with the wife of your youth. 19 As a loving deer and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be enraptured with her love.

In marriage, a kind of “courtship” of loving actions (TIME), loving words (TALK) and loving TOUCH should precede all lovemaking! In this way, their lovemaking will endure, even in old age.

14.  If couples keep themselves pure during courtship, they will be able to  __________ touch in their marriage with no _______ memories.

15. Every person needs touch to feel _____________ __________ .

16. A husband needs to talk together with his wife about the ways she enjoys being ___________ .

17. Before making love, there should be loving ________, loving________ and loving _________ .

 Lesson 2, Part 5. TENACITY

Tenacity means to hold on to something and refuse to let go, no matter what. If you have ever been to the sea, you have probably seen a shell-like animal that sticks itself to a rock called a limpet. The storms beat on the rock, and the limpet sticks. A ship weighing thousands of kilograms might become shipwrecked on those very rocks – but the limpets still stick! There will be many storms in marriage, and circumstances will crash into your marriage, trying to rip it apart – but you will, as we say in English, “cling like a limpet.” As we learned in Lesson 1, divorce is NOT an option!

The glue that sticks couples together like a limpet to a rock is summed up by what is known as “The Golden Rule.”

Matthew 7:12 "Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

The wife will do all she can to please her husband, because she wants him to do all he can to please her. The husband will never make his wife do something she does not want to do – because he would not want the wife to make him do something he does not want to do! One marriage counselor put it like this: Never do anything unless both husband and wife can enthusiastically agree to it. The goal is not for one of the partners to give in to the other partner’s desires, but that BOTH partners should be enthusiastic about what they do – they should be ONE! If the husband thinks it is a great idea, but the wife is unhappy, then they will spend the TIME to TALK TOGETHER and THINK TOGETHER until they come up with a solution that make both of them happy! If you are TENACIOUS enough, and don’t give up, but keep on working at finding a good solution, you will do so!

Yes, but isn’t the husband the head of the wife? Shouldn’t he make the final decision? That is true, but his headship is to be protective, not selfish! A man will exert his authority over his wife is if he feels her desires would bring harm to herself or others, but he will not exert his authority over his wife to satisfy his own desires. However, if a man selfishly tells his wife, “Do what I want because I am the head,” God wants the wife to obey him (unless he asks her to sin). However, God’s purpose for her submission is not so that the man can always get his way, but it is God’s way of motivating the man to repent of his disobedient selfishness.

1 Peter 3:1 Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives,  2 when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.

God wants the husband to mend his ways and give  honor to his wife by lovingly taking the time and effort to work out a solution that she can be happy about. Remember, it is the husband’s job to study his wife and do what makes her happy! If he does not repent of his selfishness, his prayers will not be heard by God. Thus his soul will be in danger, as we have already seen in 1 Peter 3:7.

Submission on the part of the wife is not something God wants the husband to demand, but something that God wants the wife to freely give. Remember, the wife must study her husband to see what he wants, and do it! She must do her best to please him – just like she would like to be pleased. Actually, she must go a step further and please her husband as though she were pleasing Christ!

Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord... 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

This is true submission. If she deliberately goes against her husband’s will, or if she tries to manipulate him to give in and let her do what she wants – then her soul is in danger. However, even if the wife is not submissive, God always wants the husband to treat her with unselfish love. This, in turn, is God’s way of motivating the wife to love her husband properly in return – to repent and willingly subject herself to her husband.

Love begets love.

1 John 4:19 We love Him because He first loved us.

1 John 4:11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

Just like God’s love motivates us to love Him in return and submit ourselves to Him, the husband’s love will motivate his wife to love him in return and submit herself to him. The husband shows this love by unselfishly acting in the best interests of his wife and family – putting their needs above his own.

     In summary, after marriage, the couple must continue to carry on with their courtship – for the rest of their lives! They do this by making sure they spend time alone together, by talking and thinking together, by loving touch, and by tenaciously sticking together in the storms of life.  The glue that keeps them stuck together is the Golden Rule.

 18. T F Tenacity is the ability to hold on to something, no matter what.

19. T F Couples should never do anything unless both can enthusiastically agree to it.

20. T F The husband’s headship should be protective, not selfish.

21. T F If the husband is selfish, the wife does not have to submit.

22. T F If a wife is rebellious, the husband should respond with love.

23. After marriage, the couple continues their courtship by making _____ for one another, _________ and ___________ together, _________ each other and _____________ sticking together.

SUGGESTIONS for your own discussion and benefit:

1. Tell your spouse ten things he/she does that makes you happy. Ask him/her for three things you can do to make him/her happy! And do it! Hopefully your spouse will respond in the same way! (Do NOT tell your  spouse what he/she does that makes you UNhappy! This you can do in a later lesson after you have learned how to do it.)

2. Make a plan to spend time with your spouse – perhaps over a cup of tea when the husband gets home, asking him/her to go for a walk, etc. You may need to help your spouse so he/she has time for this.

3. Find something that you can discuss with your spouse – some verses you have read in the Bible, a newspaper or book, ideas, concerns and dreams. Be sure to first ask your spouse for his/her ideas!

4. Think of an area where you and your spouse disagree. Can you come up with some solutions that might make both of you happy?

Really give it some thought and be creative! Let your spouse know that you are committed to making him/her happy and ask your spouse to also give it some thought.