Marriage - Lesson 1

The Foundation

Lesson 1, Part 1 – God’s Place in Our Marriage

 Genesis 1:27 So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

Unlike any other created thing on earth, man was created in the image of God. Man alone has a spiritual nature – something that enables him to have a relationship with God - a relationship that will last throughout all eternity. This relationship with God impacts every other relationship that I have, especially the relationship I have with my spouse.

An earthly father motivates his son to follow in his footsteps by teaching and example. He does this because he wants to grow his son up to enjoy many blessings in adult life – the ability to provide for himself, form relationships that will bring him happiness, etc. In the same way, God, our heavenly Father wants to lift us up to enjoy many blessings – both earthly and heavenly.

Isaiah 40:28 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the LORD, The Creator of the ends of the earth, Neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable. 29 He gives power to the weak, And to those who have no might He increases strength. 30 Even the youths shall faint and be weary, And the young men shall utterly fall, 31 But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.

However, it is most important for us to understand that in order for God to lift us up, we first have to humble ourselves.

1Pet.5:6 Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time,

We must think of ourselves as something very small (green) compared to God. (blue)

Isaiah 64: 8 But now, O LORD, You are our Father; We are the clay, and You our potter; And all we are the work of Your hand.

If I am the clay, it means that I must yield myself to the potter. My obedience must be total, complete, unquestioning and uncomplaining. If you and your spouse are willing to totally submit yourselves to God, then God will exalt you to heights of joy beyond what you can imagine. Those who reject God’s will in their lives, even in a “small” thing, are making themselves (green) more important than God (blue)! They are exalting themselves above God!  Please read the scriptures in these lessons carefully. If you humble yourself and follow GOD’s plan, you will be blessed!

QUESTIONS FOR COUPLES TO DO TOGETHER

1.  Because man was created in the ___________ of God, he has a spiritual nature that enables him to have a     __________________ with God.

2.  In this relationship, I am the _____________ and God is the    _____________ .

3.  In order for God to lift me up, I must first _________________     myself.

4.  Those who do not submit to God, even in a small thing, are exalting themselves ___________ God!

Match the quote to the Scripture by placing the letter of the quote next to the Scripture reference.

5.  ___ Gen.1       6. ___ Isa.40     7. ___ 1Pet.5     8. ___ Isa.64

a.  “God created man in His own image.”

b.  “Humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God”

c.   “Those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength.”

d.  “You are our Father, we are the clay.”

Lesson 1, Part 2  -- God’s Three Foundation Principles for Our Marriage

After God created Adam, he gave Adam work to do. His work was to “tend and keep” the garden that God had planted. In this way Adam would be able to provide for his own physical needs. However, God also made man with emotional needs. God saw that “it was not good that man should be alone,” Gen.2:18. God said, “I will make a helper comparable to him.”  Only a woman could satisfy Adam’s deepest physical and emotional needs

When God brought Eve to Adam, He gave them three foundation principles for their marriage that would result in them having the very best marriage possible.

Gen.2:24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined [cleave] to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Someone has pictured this verse like three sides of a triangle. Notice that the triangle (marriage) makes a “tent” – a home. This triangle-shaped structure protects all who are in that home, especially children. If you take away any one of the legs of the triangle, the “tent” will collapse. So if we take away any one of God’s marriage foundation principles, our home will also collapse. Instead of our home being a place where we are protected from the evils of the world, our home becomes a place of fighting and unhappiness. God wants us to enjoy marriage and enjoy our children!

9.      T   F              God gives three foundation principles for marriage.

10.    T   F              God’s plan is for a couple to become one flesh before leaving and cleaving.

11.    T   F              We can take away one of the foundation principles and still have a strong home.

Lesson 1, Part 3  -- Marriage Foundation Principle One: Leaving

One of the purposes of the home is to prepare the children in the home to one day leave that home and begin their own homes. The sons will one day become heads of their own homes. The daughters will one day leave the loving care and protection of their father to be lovingly cared for by their husbands. The bad news is that most homes today do not properly fulfill this purpose. Young men grow up without a father. They have no role-model to show them how to be good leaders in the home. Young women grow up in homes where the mother does not show respect for nor submit to her husband. Maybe there is no husband to submit to. Maybe the husband is totally unworthy of respect. And so daughters grow up not knowing how to be the wives God wants them to be. The good news is that anyone can read the word of God and find out how to overcome the problems of the past, have a healthy marriage and build a godly home. That is the purpose of these lessons.

In order for a young man to leave his father and mother, he needs to have the physical ability to provide for his wife and possible children. He must have a job or at least a piece of property with the ability to provide a house and grow food. When a young married couple is financially dependent on their parents, their parents have too much power to interfere in the marriage. You may want to marry before you are financially able to do so, but remember, your tent is without one of its sides! You are putting your marriage at risk from the very beginning, and God does not want you to do this.

 Another thing a young man must have in order to leave his father and mother is the emotional maturity to make wise decisions and give the same kind of unselfish love as Christ gave when He died for us, Ephesians 5:25. After marriage he becomes the head of his home, Ephesians 5:23. He needs to be able to be a good head. If he has not had a good role-model in his own father, he needs to study the word of God and seek counsel from godly older men.

 Eph.5:23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.... 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,

A young woman needs to have the emotional maturity to be a good helper. She needs to know how to give wise counsel and support in a submissive way. She needs to be willing and able to be a keeper of her new home and to care for any children they may have. Titus 2:3-5 commands older women in the church (including the young woman’s own mother) to make sure that the young women are taught these things.

 Titus 2:4 that they [older women] admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children,  5 to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.

Both the young man and young woman need to have parents who do not try to interfere in the marriage. In some cultures the wife is supposed to listen to her mother-in-law. God makes it clear from the beginning that the man leaves his father and mother. In Ephesians 5:23, the Holy Spirit makes it clear that “the husband is the head of the wife.” If a couple’s parents are trying to interfere in the marriage, the couple needs to kindly let them know that they want the blessings that come from following the will of God in every aspect of their lives. Therefore, they will no longer allow the parents to interfere in their marriage.

12.    T   F One of the purposes of raising children is to enable them to leave home.

13.    T   F It is impossible for those who grew up in a bad home to have good homes of their own.

14. T   F If a young man does not have a job, it is a good idea for him to marry as long as his parents can help him financially.

14.    T   F The husband is the head of the wife.

15.    T   F Older women in the church should teach younger women how to be obedient to their husbands.

16.    T   F It is God’s will that the wife must be subject to her mother-in-law.

Lesson 1, Part 4  -- Marriage Foundation Principle Two: Cleaving (being joined)

The word “cleave” means “to stick like glue.”  When we build furniture, we often put glue into the joins so that the furniture will never come apart. God wants our marriages to be glued together for life. When a young man and young woman are in love, they cannot imagine wanting a divorce, but when they really get to know one another in marriage, or when severe trials come, they feel that somehow God will understand if they divorce. NOT SO! “For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce,” Malachi 2:16. When two people marry, God glues them together because they make a covenant that they will remain faithful to one another. “She is your companion, and your wife by covenant,” Malachi 2:14. Jesus warns, “what God has joined together, let not man separate,” Matthew 19:6. Any person who has been divorced by his/her partner and remarries breaks the covenant they made before God, commits adultery, and thus cannot go to heaven. The one who divorces his/her partner for a reason other than adultery causes him/her to commit adultery when he/she remarries. Therefore, the person divorcing for any reason other than adultery will also be condemned by God.

 “But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery,” Matthew 5:32. “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery,” Mark 10:11-12.

 Therefore, before a person marries, he/she needs to be very sure that he has chosen to marry someone who is humble enough to totally submit to God’s will to never divorce, no matter how difficult things become.

18.    The word “cleave” means to stick like ___________ .

19.    God says that He _____________ divorce.

20.    T   F              God allows a woman to divorce her husband if he beats her.

21.    T   F              If a man divorces his wife because he wants to marry someone else, and the wife has done nothing wrong, she can remarry.

22.    T   F A man and woman need to be very careful in choosing the person they will marry.

23.    A _____________ person will be willing to work out marriage problems.

At what point does a couple become “stuck like glue”? If one night they are overcome with passion and want to become one flesh, can they simply make a vow to each other that they will be married from now on? No! Every marriage in the Bible was planned ahead of time and very public. There was never any doubt about who was married and who was not. In the Law of Moses, a couple who were overcome by passion and committed fornication were forced to marry, Deuteronomy 22:28-29. They were not considered to be already married. Any sex outside the marriage bed is either fornication or adultery.

 Hebrews 13:4 Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

 If a boy who has never had sex before sleeps with a girl who has never had sex before – but they are not yet married, that is fornication and they will go to hell unless they repent. If they repent, they will either marry or stop sleeping with each other.

In some African cultures all the lobola must be paid before the couple is truly married. Otherwise, the children belong to the parents of the girl and not to her husband, etc. Other cultures have other rules, and sometimes the girl and boy come from different cultural backgrounds. Because lobola has become so expensive, the cultural rules are changing. There is much confusion. Fortunately, God has given us a way out of all the confusion:

 Romans 13: 1 ¶ Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God. 2 Therefore whoever resists the authority resists the ordinance of God, and those who resist will bring judgment on themselves. 3 For rulers are not a terror to good works, but to evil. Do you want to be unafraid of the authority? Do what is good, and you will have praise from the same. 4 For he is God's minister to you for good. But if you do evil, be afraid; for he does not bear the sword in vain; for he is God's minister, an avenger to execute wrath on him who practices evil. 5 Therefore you must be subject, not only because of wrath but also for conscience' sake.    

In order to be married in the eyes of the government of South Africa (and other countries we have visited), you may do whatever your culture dictates, but you must sign. Without the marriage certificate, the government does not consider you to be married. Once you have signed, you are “stuck,” whether you have paid lobola or not. You cannot break that marriage without going through formal divorce procedures. A man who is unwilling to sign the marriage documents is revealing that he is not willing to truly commit to marriage – to be “stuck” for life. He is also failing to humbly obey the command of God to submit to the government’s rules for marriage.

24.    T   F              In the Bible, there was never any doubt about who was married and who was not.

25.    T   F              ANY sex outside of marriage is sin.

26.    T   F              Once a person has signed the marriage certificate, there is no doubt about his marriage.

Lesson 1, Part 5  -- Marriage Foundation Principle Three:

One Flesh

   There can only be true oneness of flesh when there has been true cleaving. Oneness of flesh includes the sexual act, 1 Cor.6:16, but it is far more than that. When God brought Eve to Adam, Adam said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh,” Genesis 2:23. Just as a man will never injure his own body in any way, so he will never intentionally do anything to hurt his wife physically or emotionally – because she is now the same as his own body, Ephesians 5:28-29. They are so “one” that they hide nothing from each other,

Gen.2:25. They are a “team” in all they do, acting as “one” in their service to God, the way they raise their children, the way they treat family and friends, the way they hate evil, etc.

   When there is no guilt in the relationship, then the couple are free to give their bodies to each other without reservation. This makes the physical act of becoming “one flesh” much more beautiful and satisfying than sex outside of marriage. That is one reason why there can only be true oneness of flesh when there has been true cleaving.

   When a couple are truly “one,” they experience an emotional security that enables them to be the best people they can possibly be. “Two heads are better than one!” Together they can accomplish far more than if they were single. Life’s difficulties are halved and life’s joys are doubled. Most importantly, they have someone to help them on their journey to heaven.

               Ecclesiastes 4: 9 Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, For he has no one to help him up. 11 Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; But how can one be warm alone? 12 Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken. The “third” person in a marriage cord is the Lord. He has glued the couple together, and if they humbly submit to His marriage guidelines, their marriage will never be broken.

 27. There can only be true oneness of flesh when there has been true ______ .

28. Because the couple are “bone of each others’ bone,” they will never intentionally do anything to __________ each other physically or emotionally.

29. Sex can be physically more satisfying in marriage because there is no   _______________ in the relationship.

30.  When a couple are truly “one,” life’s difficulties are ____________ and life’s      joys are ______________ .

31.  The third person in a good marriage is _____________ .

How do you develop oneness once you are married? This will be discussed in Lesson 2.

Questions for your own benefit:

1.            If you are married: On a scale of 0 (none) to 10 (very much) – How much do your parents interfere in your marriage? Your spouse’s parents? Compare your answers to your spouse’s. If there is a problem, discuss ways to solve it. Who should be the one to speak to the parents?

2.            If a man and woman live together but have never signed, what kind of problems will the woman experience if her partner dies? What kind of problems will the man experience if the woman dies, especially with regard to the children? In what way(s) does being legally married strengthen the relationship between the man and the woman?

3.            Why is it so important to really get to know a person before you marry him/her? What are some important things you think you should know about a person before marriage? If a couple enter into sex before marriage, in what way will this hinder them getting to know each other in more important ways?